May 2008 
the past
Posted on May 15th, 2008
by 
Mikkie
Mikkie
This is just a blog I wrote in January 2006. It's a very rough piece., very. It's the first blog I ever wrote.
Prepare yourself for many mistakes and confusing sentences. Which I don't want to correct because somehow it shows the emotional state I was in.
Feel free to make a comment.
......turn back now cause you'll just read about my everyday life. And some of what's running though my head. *Zzzz -.-* I am a 19yr old now school-less, jobless, and broke; living at home. *sob sob* I when to edison high, and met alot of good and close friends there. And one best friend. To whom I own my everything to. While in high school I joined an after school program called F.I.R.S.T robotics. One of the best mistakes I could have ever made. *heheee thinking of how I joined. (will tell later.)* For four years of tears, blood and sweat passed and I moved on to college a changed person. *LOL* I was a person madly in love with building, fixing and battling robots. *sigh* So I majored in Mechanical Engireering. Yes, very hard. Plus I HATE math. *evil numbers* But due to the fact that my family is next to dirt poor I couldn't even get passed finishing first semester. Which so blows because I just started really enjoying it. *not talking about getting so toasted that you have to hold onto the grass to keep from falling off the earth* I'm talking about I actually made some cool friends. *friends by my defintion of cool* Friends who didn't drive me nuts with dumb pity stuff. I got to be me, and I loved the whole living by myself. *my roommate got kicked out before me.* So once again I'm stuck. Money. Money. Me and money = debt. I can choose to go get a job, (which I will hate.) and take night classes at the freaking Community College, which by the way the one path I tried to avoid due the fact the people that drove me nuts goes to. Or pack a rug sack and hitch a ride to a 3rd world country, to help people. One path I help my family with the money I make and futher my education and hate my life, myself and the people in it. Or ..... what esle I really don't know. I really just want to shoot the man who invented money. Just strangle him. Not to mention my dad who the bread winner for the family is down foe the count. Due to an injure that will forever have a bad effect on him and the family. He recently had a back opp. Where they replaced three of his vertebres *thank you miss or mister donor!* now he's able to move about a bit more. But a walk to the corner store will take alot out of him. But the man has a thick head, he re-did our roof *by himself!* and got clean up and blacked out after the whole thing. Yes the man is thick. Not to mention that he has to take so many pain killer just to even breathe, blows. But Mom stepped up to the plate and got a job help families to get off of welfare and strighten out their lives. *Go MOM!!!! She always was my hero! But tell her that. :)* My older sister is the most talented and skilled writer and brightest person I've ever met. But since she graduated from high school she has done nothing but sit on her ass and does nothing. She's a 23yr old whom doesn't go out, has stopped speaking with her friends, and lives at home. I just don't understand it. (LOL but again I have to look at myself its going to make a month and I have not begun to look for a job.) Lets not go back to that topic shall we. Hmm, on to the love life. O.o Yea not there. Yea I've had a crush or two, but I think I'm the negative of love. The guy I had a crush on was my best friend of six years who I hooked up with his LOVE OF HIS LIFE!... Yes I'm an idiot. Instead of hooking myself up with him (which I had the shot) I when and hooked him up with a friend of mine. They have been together going on....lets see three years. Yes people lets applaused the idiot who give up the only a great guy she has ever met! *bow bow oh thank you no thank you* But I kind of regret it now because shes a totally wack-o. Nice girl but completely crazy. You know the type people. That one where someone calls you in the middle of a date and you look at the number an turn off your phone. And she completely flips out and yangs your phone from you hands and checks all the calls you've made and asks you to tell who and what was the conversations where about. Yes PEOPLE! She is one of "THOSE." You've all dated one or met one. *creepy* Then there was the second major crush in high school. Oh yes the sad little story goes on. A guy named Jessy. The long dark hair the fast car. *sigh* Yeah! He was on my robotics team. My best friend and close friend where also on the team. My best friend was going out with another guy on the team named Anrold. *.* It was her first love. And just some guy I thought that was just plain creepy. Well as the year when on Jessy and Arnold some how manage to graudate. ^_^ Not the brightest in the bunch. Jessy when off the ITT, and Arnold when to Iraq, yes people lack of money to do ones dream play another role in my life. My best friend (Ally) contiues to write Arnold and my crush Jessy hangs more and more out with us. O.O Ally writes more novels to Arnold and black mails to do the same. She says I quote this "help him and you" end quote. Well I'm going to skip some time. Ally grows to love Jessy ditches Arnold. Me and still wrote and called one another. *THE DRAMA! that little switch up costed* I put my feelings Jessy aside, it was only a crush. I picked my best friend over him. She loves him! I see it as I won. ^.^ (By the way I'm going to be Allys brides maid. uh huh uh uh huh. *doing my little happy dance*) Okay I was still on the robotics team and it was my last year. We (the team) where going to Atlanta, Georgia. For the nationals trip, about a week long in a four star hotel room with one person in my room. Awesome. And it just so happens Arnold got stationed in fort knox (he was in boot camp). But he could only come over for one day and go back. We spend it doing alot of kool things. So he came over and slept over. *Don't get ahead of yourselfs folks, nothing happened ^_^ yea pops didn't believe it either but its true, which sucks.* But I did get in trouble for him sleeping in our room. The Adults that where watching us found out cause of three things a) he had the same things on as the night before b) was there way to early. and c) someone told. O.o yea but I think it was worth it. LOL All we did was get a major talking to. And that was it. The only thing is I wish I would have had the guts to ask him to put his arm around me as I slept. He looked so calm and sweet when he was asleep. On the last day we had to say good bye. We gave each other one of those langering hug where you doing wnt to let go of the other person. I don't think we would have let go until my robotics coach told us we had to leave now to the airport. So he did something I didn't expect he kissed my the forehead and say goodbye. And handed back my teddy bear and told me I would keep it now. (Yes I took my teddy bear. It's a comfort thing. Yes I can't sleep without it. *its was my favorite neices (Noodle shes five now) first teddy bear which she gave me to cheer me up becuase I tripped and cut my hand open (had to go to the hospital 12 snitches)* So month past by we talk to one another everyday (cellphone, dad killed me upon seeing the bill. ^_^) Sun up to sun daown we talked. And then easter break comes along and he graduated and gets to come home for three weeks before he gets shipped to iraq. I can't believe I made up dumb excuses for him to come over. I'm not big on playing video games, but I pay them to not destroy anything when I'm bored and can't find a book to read. But that whole 3 weeks I kept do you want to come over to play some tekken. LOL The thing is only like once in a while we would turn the damn ps2 on. LMAO. We just kind of did everyday things and hang out. From Watching movies with his head in my lap to going to home depot with my family to pick up some things. (Roof+hole+rain= not good.) It was a blast, even if we did nothing big. I was happy. Well, more happy then ususual. Sure we had my dad as a watch dog to make sure nothing happened but it was okay. I still can't help but giggle everytime I think of home depot. Because the family was in the sinks, counters little set up models. And we (family mom included) making jokes about sex and counters. And Arnold walks up to a counter and measure it wit his hips. My feet were hurting so I hopped on another counter. Mom comes over "what do you think your doing?" Me thinking if I buy a counter I atleast want to see if it would be comfortble to sit on and won't fall apart when i hop up on it. And this pops out of my mouth. "Just testing it." O.O Yea I'm a slow one so I'm wondering why my sister is giggling and my mom surpise face. She shuts her open mouth and walks away. "What?" I look to Arnold cause hes the only one left by now and could only see a pleased face. "What?"......... "Oh no I didn't mean it that way." Laughing he follows me in a jog trying to catch up with the family and explain what I meant. Do you see how slow I am? really come on. Any who he gets shipped off we call each other and talk about ever thing (including the love lifes) until the wee hours etc. His phone gets cut off. So we write and e-mail one another. I get accepted to Widener University. *Hurray me!* And we about 2 weeks into the damn semester he stops talking to me. (Turns out he was on I think is was called a raid or something.) I completely got hit by like a brick wall of really bad sorrow. Yes people I just realized how much I care for this man and he might be dead. I don't cry but I was sobbing. I im-ed some of my closes friends to see if I'm was still sane. After I told them whats going in my head, which takes about 13 mintues because I still can't put in to words what the fuck was going on in between sobs and not to metion inside of head thousands of thoughts and memories. (I wanted to check if it was just mood swings. LOL) The type shut up put on your away mesage and hang on, will call. So of do as told and got a phone call and all I can hear is an wait I'll quote..."Awe. Our Little Girl Is In Love." end quote. Freaking jack asses. Okay let me explain this I'm in love with a HOE!!!! A MAN WHORE!!! DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY CONVERSATIONS WE HAD ON THE WOMEN THAT GUY HAS BANGED! And the the fact that he falls in love with and trys to married any women that he date. Shit! He just about gave a damn ring to every steady girlfriend he ever dated! So thus after the complete freak out I told him how I feel in an e-mail. (wait let me tell you something before I pass this point. While after the home depot trip he begun calling me "babe" yes ewww. Even after asing to stop calling me that cause I found it creepy. Which he called my after and told me I was his babe okay babe. I could then he asked me if I hread him cause of coruse I was freaking speechless. I said yea and then blab on about my day. *Yes complete idiot*Also he kept adding on to the damn e-mails that I would be a great catch for a guy becuase I love cooking and playing video games etc.) and now I sat down and wrote this damn e-mail. But I wrote it this way which I MAJORALLY REGRET. I gave him an update on how everybady was and how I was and then moved on to tell him that I might have feelings for him. But that I would be glad to stay friends even if he didn't. YES PEOPLE I SAID MIGHT! Due to the fact that I don't want to say love! The biggest chicken you have ever met! I can face someone trying to mug me or hell I wouldn't mind getting shot again than face affairs of the heart. And his reply was as follows: yes I had feeling for you and may still have them but my past of long distance relationships haven't really worked out. And that he would be glad to stay friends. HE COULDN'T GIVE ME A NO!!! HE COULDN'T GIVE ME A RELEASE!! Now I freakin stuck in the middle of the high speeding highway! If he would have just said no and lets be friends. I could have packed my bags and when yes that hurted like hell but I get on the hobby horse again. But now I have to be dragged on let this. So as time pasts our e-mails get less and less. More time in between the letters. He tells me its due to fact that its hard to write up here, and their not aloud to say much. So I believe him. Here just stuck pineing after the damn hoe. My heart is tried and a part of it holds on while the other part is stuck. So now I'm in limbo... of just about everything.
Prepare yourself for many mistakes and confusing sentences. Which I don't want to correct because somehow it shows the emotional state I was in.
Feel free to make a comment.
......turn back now cause you'll just read about my everyday life. And some of what's running though my head. *Zzzz -.-* I am a 19yr old now school-less, jobless, and broke; living at home. *sob sob* I when to edison high, and met alot of good and close friends there. And one best friend. To whom I own my everything to. While in high school I joined an after school program called F.I.R.S.T robotics. One of the best mistakes I could have ever made. *heheee thinking of how I joined. (will tell later.)* For four years of tears, blood and sweat passed and I moved on to college a changed person. *LOL* I was a person madly in love with building, fixing and battling robots. *sigh* So I majored in Mechanical Engireering. Yes, very hard. Plus I HATE math. *evil numbers* But due to the fact that my family is next to dirt poor I couldn't even get passed finishing first semester. Which so blows because I just started really enjoying it. *not talking about getting so toasted that you have to hold onto the grass to keep from falling off the earth* I'm talking about I actually made some cool friends. *friends by my defintion of cool* Friends who didn't drive me nuts with dumb pity stuff. I got to be me, and I loved the whole living by myself. *my roommate got kicked out before me.* So once again I'm stuck. Money. Money. Me and money = debt. I can choose to go get a job, (which I will hate.) and take night classes at the freaking Community College, which by the way the one path I tried to avoid due the fact the people that drove me nuts goes to. Or pack a rug sack and hitch a ride to a 3rd world country, to help people. One path I help my family with the money I make and futher my education and hate my life, myself and the people in it. Or ..... what esle I really don't know. I really just want to shoot the man who invented money. Just strangle him. Not to mention my dad who the bread winner for the family is down foe the count. Due to an injure that will forever have a bad effect on him and the family. He recently had a back opp. Where they replaced three of his vertebres *thank you miss or mister donor!* now he's able to move about a bit more. But a walk to the corner store will take alot out of him. But the man has a thick head, he re-did our roof *by himself!* and got clean up and blacked out after the whole thing. Yes the man is thick. Not to mention that he has to take so many pain killer just to even breathe, blows. But Mom stepped up to the plate and got a job help families to get off of welfare and strighten out their lives. *Go MOM!!!! She always was my hero! But tell her that. :)* My older sister is the most talented and skilled writer and brightest person I've ever met. But since she graduated from high school she has done nothing but sit on her ass and does nothing. She's a 23yr old whom doesn't go out, has stopped speaking with her friends, and lives at home. I just don't understand it. (LOL but again I have to look at myself its going to make a month and I have not begun to look for a job.) Lets not go back to that topic shall we. Hmm, on to the love life. O.o Yea not there. Yea I've had a crush or two, but I think I'm the negative of love. The guy I had a crush on was my best friend of six years who I hooked up with his LOVE OF HIS LIFE!... Yes I'm an idiot. Instead of hooking myself up with him (which I had the shot) I when and hooked him up with a friend of mine. They have been together going on....lets see three years. Yes people lets applaused the idiot who give up the only a great guy she has ever met! *bow bow oh thank you no thank you* But I kind of regret it now because shes a totally wack-o. Nice girl but completely crazy. You know the type people. That one where someone calls you in the middle of a date and you look at the number an turn off your phone. And she completely flips out and yangs your phone from you hands and checks all the calls you've made and asks you to tell who and what was the conversations where about. Yes PEOPLE! She is one of "THOSE." You've all dated one or met one. *creepy* Then there was the second major crush in high school. Oh yes the sad little story goes on. A guy named Jessy. The long dark hair the fast car. *sigh* Yeah! He was on my robotics team. My best friend and close friend where also on the team. My best friend was going out with another guy on the team named Anrold. *.* It was her first love. And just some guy I thought that was just plain creepy. Well as the year when on Jessy and Arnold some how manage to graudate. ^_^ Not the brightest in the bunch. Jessy when off the ITT, and Arnold when to Iraq, yes people lack of money to do ones dream play another role in my life. My best friend (Ally) contiues to write Arnold and my crush Jessy hangs more and more out with us. O.O Ally writes more novels to Arnold and black mails to do the same. She says I quote this "help him and you" end quote. Well I'm going to skip some time. Ally grows to love Jessy ditches Arnold. Me and still wrote and called one another. *THE DRAMA! that little switch up costed* I put my feelings Jessy aside, it was only a crush. I picked my best friend over him. She loves him! I see it as I won. ^.^ (By the way I'm going to be Allys brides maid. uh huh uh uh huh. *doing my little happy dance*) Okay I was still on the robotics team and it was my last year. We (the team) where going to Atlanta, Georgia. For the nationals trip, about a week long in a four star hotel room with one person in my room. Awesome. And it just so happens Arnold got stationed in fort knox (he was in boot camp). But he could only come over for one day and go back. We spend it doing alot of kool things. So he came over and slept over. *Don't get ahead of yourselfs folks, nothing happened ^_^ yea pops didn't believe it either but its true, which sucks.* But I did get in trouble for him sleeping in our room. The Adults that where watching us found out cause of three things a) he had the same things on as the night before b) was there way to early. and c) someone told. O.o yea but I think it was worth it. LOL All we did was get a major talking to. And that was it. The only thing is I wish I would have had the guts to ask him to put his arm around me as I slept. He looked so calm and sweet when he was asleep. On the last day we had to say good bye. We gave each other one of those langering hug where you doing wnt to let go of the other person. I don't think we would have let go until my robotics coach told us we had to leave now to the airport. So he did something I didn't expect he kissed my the forehead and say goodbye. And handed back my teddy bear and told me I would keep it now. (Yes I took my teddy bear. It's a comfort thing. Yes I can't sleep without it. *its was my favorite neices (Noodle shes five now) first teddy bear which she gave me to cheer me up becuase I tripped and cut my hand open (had to go to the hospital 12 snitches)* So month past by we talk to one another everyday (cellphone, dad killed me upon seeing the bill. ^_^) Sun up to sun daown we talked. And then easter break comes along and he graduated and gets to come home for three weeks before he gets shipped to iraq. I can't believe I made up dumb excuses for him to come over. I'm not big on playing video games, but I pay them to not destroy anything when I'm bored and can't find a book to read. But that whole 3 weeks I kept do you want to come over to play some tekken. LOL The thing is only like once in a while we would turn the damn ps2 on. LMAO. We just kind of did everyday things and hang out. From Watching movies with his head in my lap to going to home depot with my family to pick up some things. (Roof+hole+rain= not good.) It was a blast, even if we did nothing big. I was happy. Well, more happy then ususual. Sure we had my dad as a watch dog to make sure nothing happened but it was okay. I still can't help but giggle everytime I think of home depot. Because the family was in the sinks, counters little set up models. And we (family mom included) making jokes about sex and counters. And Arnold walks up to a counter and measure it wit his hips. My feet were hurting so I hopped on another counter. Mom comes over "what do you think your doing?" Me thinking if I buy a counter I atleast want to see if it would be comfortble to sit on and won't fall apart when i hop up on it. And this pops out of my mouth. "Just testing it." O.O Yea I'm a slow one so I'm wondering why my sister is giggling and my mom surpise face. She shuts her open mouth and walks away. "What?" I look to Arnold cause hes the only one left by now and could only see a pleased face. "What?"......... "Oh no I didn't mean it that way." Laughing he follows me in a jog trying to catch up with the family and explain what I meant. Do you see how slow I am? really come on. Any who he gets shipped off we call each other and talk about ever thing (including the love lifes) until the wee hours etc. His phone gets cut off. So we write and e-mail one another. I get accepted to Widener University. *Hurray me!* And we about 2 weeks into the damn semester he stops talking to me. (Turns out he was on I think is was called a raid or something.) I completely got hit by like a brick wall of really bad sorrow. Yes people I just realized how much I care for this man and he might be dead. I don't cry but I was sobbing. I im-ed some of my closes friends to see if I'm was still sane. After I told them whats going in my head, which takes about 13 mintues because I still can't put in to words what the fuck was going on in between sobs and not to metion inside of head thousands of thoughts and memories. (I wanted to check if it was just mood swings. LOL) The type shut up put on your away mesage and hang on, will call. So of do as told and got a phone call and all I can hear is an wait I'll quote..."Awe. Our Little Girl Is In Love." end quote. Freaking jack asses. Okay let me explain this I'm in love with a HOE!!!! A MAN WHORE!!! DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY CONVERSATIONS WE HAD ON THE WOMEN THAT GUY HAS BANGED! And the the fact that he falls in love with and trys to married any women that he date. Shit! He just about gave a damn ring to every steady girlfriend he ever dated! So thus after the complete freak out I told him how I feel in an e-mail. (wait let me tell you something before I pass this point. While after the home depot trip he begun calling me "babe" yes ewww. Even after asing to stop calling me that cause I found it creepy. Which he called my after and told me I was his babe okay babe. I could then he asked me if I hread him cause of coruse I was freaking speechless. I said yea and then blab on about my day. *Yes complete idiot*Also he kept adding on to the damn e-mails that I would be a great catch for a guy becuase I love cooking and playing video games etc.) and now I sat down and wrote this damn e-mail. But I wrote it this way which I MAJORALLY REGRET. I gave him an update on how everybady was and how I was and then moved on to tell him that I might have feelings for him. But that I would be glad to stay friends even if he didn't. YES PEOPLE I SAID MIGHT! Due to the fact that I don't want to say love! The biggest chicken you have ever met! I can face someone trying to mug me or hell I wouldn't mind getting shot again than face affairs of the heart. And his reply was as follows: yes I had feeling for you and may still have them but my past of long distance relationships haven't really worked out. And that he would be glad to stay friends. HE COULDN'T GIVE ME A NO!!! HE COULDN'T GIVE ME A RELEASE!! Now I freakin stuck in the middle of the high speeding highway! If he would have just said no and lets be friends. I could have packed my bags and when yes that hurted like hell but I get on the hobby horse again. But now I have to be dragged on let this. So as time pasts our e-mails get less and less. More time in between the letters. He tells me its due to fact that its hard to write up here, and their not aloud to say much. So I believe him. Here just stuck pineing after the damn hoe. My heart is tried and a part of it holds on while the other part is stuck. So now I'm in limbo... of just about everything.
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